Orochimaru's Bad Day
by Ciotog
Summary: Orochimaru wakes up and things get worse from there. Includes some character bashing. New and improved.
1. Chapter 1

Orochimaru's Bad Day

By Ciotog

Orochimaru ran through the Leaf Village. Now possessing the Sharingan Eye he easily killed or maimed every ninja who came his way. Even that stuck up Kakashi and the Hokage. As he stood on top of the highest building watching the village burn he threw back his head, opened his mouth and…

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep….

With some effort Orochimaru lifted up his hand and brought it down on the alarm clock. Slowly he sat up. A beautiful dream interrupted. Already he could here Sasuke scratching at the door of his quarters. With a sigh Orochimaru rummaged around on the floor near his bed for his slippers. After a few minutes of searching he had only found one slipper. He stared at the well worn bunny slipper in his hands. No day could possibly start out right without him wearing his bunny slippers while he ate his toast and read the newspaper.

Heaving a mighty groan he forced himself up out of bed and stumbled his way towards the intercom. About halfway there he tripped and fell over the giant snake sleeping on his floor. As he lay on the ground holding his back he cursed his weakness at allowing the snake to live indoors. Stupid Snake! It had started as just one night, then when there was inclement weather. Now it stayed indoors and had grown fat and lazy. When he had finished swearing he went to the wall intercom.

''Lackey!'' he yelled into it and then waited.

A timid voice answered him. ''Y-y-yes Lord Orochimaru?''

''I'm ready for breakfast and the newspaper. Also when you bring them up, bring me another pair of slippers.''

''You mean bunny slippers?''

''YES!!'' Orochimaru snapped. Why had he hired this idiot?

''…I can't…'' came the meek reply.

''Why not?''

''The paper boy has not come today. Also we are out of toast and those were the last pair of bunny slippers in stock.''

The horror of this phrase slowly sunk into the very depths of Orochimaru's soul. Today was already down the tubes and he hadn't been awake a whole hour yet.

Dreading the answer he asked, ''what do we have to eat?''

''The only things left to eat are bagels and goat cheese.'' The lackey said expecting a furious outburst from his temperamental lord.

The reply shocked him. ''Fine bring up a bagel.'' Then Orochimaru stumbled off to the shower. Through the door came Sasuke's voice. ''Hey Orochimaru, when are you going to give me all that power? You promised. You said you would give me enough power to defeat my brother. I want my revenge. You promised and I've already waited a week…'' on and on like some horrible song.

Orochimaru walked into the bathroom and slammed the door. Stupid Sasuke. Was the power of the Sharingan really worth this annoyance? Glancing around the bathroom he stared at the rubber duck wall paper. Even that couldn't bring a smile to his face. Stepping into the shower, he screamed as the temperature registered with his brain. It was freezing! His soldiers didn't have the decency to leave him any warm water. Cursing his luck he washed himself only to find he had no more shampoo. Delicate hair like his had to be properly maintained. Muttering he turned off the water and reached for his towel… which wasn't there. His scream was heard throughout his fortress.

Dripping wet and in his green bathrobe (his pink one being in the wash) he walked out of the bathroom in time to here the knock on the door. Maybe breakfast would cheer him up. Opening the door he grabbed the platter and darted back into his room before Sasuke could grab him. Marching to his table, Orochimaru looked down at his bagel. It was a poppy seed bagel. Only one problem… he was allergic to poppy seeds. Hurling the platter against the wall did nothing to improve the morning. Shrugging into his clothes he could here the sound of morning drill beginning. He was late! Orochimaru hurried out the door and ran down the hall followed by Sasuke who was still whining.

Reaching the drill field Orochimaru paused. Seeing his soldiers training brought a smile to his face. After all, how could he stay mad when his plans for world domination were progressing and his army grew bigger by the day? Ignoring Sasuke's chatter Orochimaru walked towards his commanders.

''Status reports.'' Barked Orochimaru.

His commanders sprang to attention. All was going well. They had twenty new recruits, fresh supplies had arrived, and everything was going according to plan. Orochimaru could feel his black mood lifting. Maybe today wasn't totally lost. Before he could give any orders a scout raced up to him.

''Lord Orochimaru!'' the scout panted. ''There is a large squad of Leaf and Sand ninjas headed this way. They are being led by Kakashi!''

Suddenly another scout raced in. ''Lord Orochimaru! The Akatsuki have breached the northern border and are headed this way!''

Orochimaru snapped. The events of this morning, Sasuke's whining, and now this!

With a yell that could be heard for a five mile radius, Orochimaru revealed his true form and procceded to destroy his castle and everything in. After ten minutes he finally calmed down and returned to his human form. Looking at his now ruined fortress he smiled. Some times you just have to let the stress out.

Turning south Orochimaru hurried away. Lucky for him he had plenty of hideouts. More importantly, well stocked hideouts. Let the Akatsuki and Kakashi's army battle it out, it could only help his plans.


	2. Chapter 2

(Lots of character bashing. You have been warned.)

Orochimaru sped through the forest, leaping from tree to tree. He would miss his old hideout, but at least some of his enemies would be dead. Finally he stopped near a creek to rest. He cursed his current body. Why did he use an old man? As he stood there panting he heard the laughter of nearby children. Slowly a smile spread across his face. Scaring small children would certainly brighten up his day. Carefully he approached the clearing where the laughter was coming from. Hiding in some bushes he watched the children in the clearing. There were three children on a picnic. Two girls and a boy. Even better there was no adult in sight. This was going to be fun! Waiting until the opportune moment, he jumped out with a horrible shriek.

He stared at the children. Instead of screaming and running away, they stared at him. A few moments later they all raced towards him laughing.

''A clown! A clown!'' The kids shrieked and crowded around him. Orochimaru was dumbfounded. Why weren't they scared? Ignoring their request for balloon animals he yelled at them.

''I'm not a clown!'' 

The children stopped laughing and looked at each other confused. Finally one of the little girls asked him…

''Then who are you?''

''Are you children stupid? Don't they teach you anything? I am the legendary ninja Orochimaru. Behold me and tremble.'' Orochimaru threw back his head and laughed his most evil laugh. To his utter amazement the other girl yelled at him,

''You can't be Orochimaru.''

''Why not?''

''You don't look scary or evil.'' 

Orochimaru looked down at his outfit. It was the same one he always wore.

''What do you mean?''

The boy looked at Orochimaru like he was some kind of idiot.

''You have a butt-bow. That is not scary.''

''It's called a ...''

''Whatever, it's lame. And purple. What kind of ninja wears purple?''

''Ino wears purple.'' Orochimaru responded. By this time the two girls had wandered away to pick flowers.

''Yeah we all know what kinda ninja she is. _Cough, pig, cough, skank, cough- cough_.'' The little boy shot back. ''Besides what villain wears purple?''

Orochimaru was dumbfounded. What the little boy said made sense and yet….

''I mean Naruto can dress in a stupid jumpsuit because he is a hero. Heroes can look like idiots, villains can't. Besides,'' the boy continued ''look at your hair.''

''What about it?'' Orochimaru yelled. How dare that boy say anything about his hair!

''It's long and…''

''Neji's hair is long!''

''But Neji's hair blows in the wind. Your hair just hangs there.''

This phrased crushed Orochimaru's spirit. Nothing was more important to him than his hair. Nothing.

The boy continued. ''Also your eyebrows. I mean they shouldn't be bushy like Lee's, but they shouldn't be pencil thin like a girls either. Don't tweeze them so much.''

''Anything else?'' Orochimaru asked slowly. Maybe he should take this boy's advice. After all he was the meanest villain ever. He should dress the part. 

''Yes. You are way too pale. Get a tan. Also wear black. The long white shirt makes you look like a granny. Loose some weight before you look like Choji. Also your purple marks are as ridiculous as Kankuro's. Again how can you look tough with any kind of purple on you?''

''Slow down.'' Orochimaru said as he sat on a stump and took out a notepad. He immediately began to copy down everything the boy said.

As soon as Orochimaru caught up the boy continued. ''Stop with the tongue thing. It's not scary, just creepy. You must be able to do something that is scarier using your other snake powers.''

''Of course, how could I miss that?' Orochimaru thought out-loud.

''Don't interrupt me. You should get a pet that is cuter than a snake. The only reason anyone likes Kiba is because he has Akamaru. Wash your clothes more often. You have so many flies you look like Shino.''

The boy went on and on. Orochimaru ran out of paper. Finally he turned to the boy.

''Hey kid, would you like to come to my secret lair and be my new fashion designer and image consultant?''

The boy thought about it for a minute. ''Okay, assuming I don't have to wear a butt-bow and I get weekends off.''

Orochimaru nodded. Together they set off for the secret lair. Orochimaru was still deeply upset about the hair comments, but at last the bad day was getting better. Or was it? 


End file.
